I watch an awful lot of awful movies. now you can live vicariously through my writing and feel like you've seen some, too! big ups to the sickos down at channel z- you know who you are! sometimes the things I write about aren't even movies, but what are you gonna do about it? spoilers ahoy.
[DAVE MADE A MAZE - 2017]
comfiest horror movie ever put to screen. it's like how every little big planet horror level should've been. the eerieness of crafting supplies. raw cardboard craftsmanship. whimsical papercraft traps. doctor venture is there. it's pretty damn funny, too. you kinda forget it's a horror film because you're having SO MUCH FUN with these wacky hipsters in this neverending cardboard maze, and then they drop CARDBOARD BRYNN on you. holy jesus.
[OBSESSION - 2026]
grim. potentially the grimmest movie i've seen, certainly the grimmest movie on the page so far. it's incredible horror, genuinely SKIN CRAWLING, but this isn't a light movie. i'm shocked at how many people are choosing this for a date night. it's the kind of movie that makes you want to surgically remove your significant other with a scalpel. i'm keeping vague, as I went in (nearly) blind, I implore you to do the same- they don't pussyfoot around with explaining "the rules" of the situation or doing any "wow, this situation I wished for was GREAT but it's turning AWFUL" malarkey. right in with the evil. melts into brutal. I guess it's part of the new evolution of horror, focusing on the visceral and the interpersonal. go see it if you want your day ruined.
[A GOOFY MOVIE - 1995]
god, I must've seen this thing a million times as a child. I could recite it, beat-for-beat, no problem. such a class movie. I wanna draw particular attention to the absolute insane colouring on display here- not a sunset goes by unbeautifully, no landscape unvibrant... did you SEE the scene at the mermaid motel? i'm in awe of the greens and teals there. masterful. my only critique is how it's a half-musical. you get those numbers at the start, the big "act 3 reconciliation" track, and I 2 I, but there's a massive chunk in the middle with no musical bits, which sucks because the songs in the movie are SO GOOD. we do get a vacation montage, but that doesn't count. you get the sense that disney really, REALLY wanted to reel in The Youths, as the film just SMACKS of the then-contemporary nineties. in a good way. they got PAULY SHORE, man. PAULY SHORE.
[SERIAL MOM - 1994]
for reference, the last john waters movie I watched was 'desperate living', so the polish on this one threw me for a loop. it makes sense that his movies would gain polish over time, but the cleanness blew me AWAY. like this is a movie you could introduce to your parents over dinner. the john waters movie you recommend to your sister as a way to frog-boil her en route to 'female trouble'. that's not to say it's devoid of waters' panache, far from it- it SMACKS of his obsession with murderers and their absurd trials. downright indulgent with it. and, worry not, we do get a little gross along the way. but this is definitely more on the fun-kitsch end of the spectrum.
[GRANDMA'S BOY - 2006]
used to know a guy who's favourite movie was this. (hiya ashley, if you ever read this!) and it's alright. not my favorite stoner comedy but not the worst i've seen, either. cromulent film about video games. uplifting ending where the losers win, you know the type. I missed a chunk out of the middle, like half an hour, and it didn't make the movie incomprehensible or anything. i'm sure I missed some funny bits, however, cus what I did catch made me chuckle a litle. the GRANDMA plays VIDEO GAMES.
[MAMA DRACULA - 1980]
if there was a plot I totally missed it. i'm pretty sure they grew those two twins in a vat specifically to become movie draculas.
[ARSENIC AND OLD LACE - 1944]
so I absolutely LOVE peter lorre, right. one summer I watched every single one of his movies I could get my hands on (thanks, archive.org!) and they all engraved themselves into my mind. but this one. this is a PERFECT MOVIE. and not just 'cus my lorre bias. if you've never seen it, drop everything and go watch it now. you're missing out on some of the cleanest screwball black comedy ever produced. better to go in without any knowledge and be blindsided by the whole absurd thing. the humor still holds up! this movie gets me cackling, I tell ya.
[THE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS: THE IDIOTS ABROAD - 1985]
so while my laptop was having its zillionth crap-attack, I reread this neat adventure to subdue my rage. (I also reread "grass roots", but i'll talk about that later.) my favourite thing about the freak bros comics, aside from the immaculate art courtesy of shelton, sheridan, and mavrides, are the growing sense of ambition as the stories go on. the comics started with the brothers getting into wacky stoner antics. cheech and chong business. and it's hilarious. but their get longer, more serialised, and there's always this thread of sociopolitical commentary... and it explodes with the idiots abroad. it's difficult to describe if you haven't read all the freak brothers comics up til this point, but by now each of the trio are clearly defined and are naturally sliding into their story niches- idiots abroad takes full advantage by splitting them up for much of the run for their own special hijinks around the world. but most notable is phineas, who's been coming into his own as a kind of sociopolitcally aware mad inventor throughout their tales, who becomes a vehicle for some really heavy shit gilbert has to say about religion. the comic DOES get a little wordy at points, but listen. these pages are gorgeous. you can tell gilbert was ITCHING to execute a grand adventure. so many beautiful scenes and way-out bits of architecture. if you can track down the freak brothers omnibus, GET IT AND READ THE WHOLE THING TOP TO TAIL. i'm pretty sure they've all been republished in newer editions, but the omnibus is. well. it's an omnibus. pretty goddamn definitive. my copy is advertising the "upcoming feature film" which never came to be, and will forever break my heart. we almost got stop-motion, people. instead we got that awful tubi show, but WE'LL COME BACK TO THAT, I PROMISE YOU. I want my rage to remain subdued.
[THE GUY WHO DIDN'T LIKE MUSICALS - 2026]
oh my GOD those crazy mofos at starkid productions did it. they're on the west end, baby! I was there! I saw them! I was in the same meatspace as COREY DORRIS!!!!! holy god. I don't usually go for this kinda fandom scene but the atmosphere in that theater was insane, an odd mix of the youthful starkid devotees and members of the general public who had no idea what they signed up for. the show itself was incredible, but I already knew that- me and my sister can recite this thing like rainman, 'cus the original run's been up on youtube for like eight years now. if you haven't seen it, give it a shot. and then fly out to london to go see it live, because this run is a total upgrade. they beefed up the sets, choreography, certain props and costume pieces, and JON MATTESON'S VOICE. he plays paul, our main guy, and the original performances in 2018 were his first outings with the starkid group. his singing voice wasn't the strongest, but jesus in heaven you should hear him now. you can tell the cast is all more physically comfortable with eachother too, and this manifests in everyone constantly manhandling jon & getting all up in his grill. it's great. I promise i'm not a musical theater nerd, starkid just do really good shit, man. PS IVAN AS THE NEW HIDGENS IS IMMACULATE. adds so many bizarre mannerisms and noises to the character.
[DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE - 1979]
somewhat underbaked concept being hard-carried by our main actor's strange performance. the movie's pretty uninteresting but this guy can really go nutzoid when the script calls for it. there's a bit where he's dreaming he's geting dragged into a hole and he wails and I chuckled. uhhhhh. he goes disco dancing after a very awkward scene where he goes to buy clothes FOR disco dancing. sets a lady's head on fire. at the disco. um. there's some interesting shots. it tries to say something about the cycle of abuse. and fire. I dunno. it's not giving me much to work with, frankly. the corpse props are pretty cool.
[RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD - 1982]
this is totally one of those movies I thought i'd never have to see, cus pop culture osmosis. sly stallone is in the jungle or something and does stuff. he's got a gun that goes dakka dakka dakka. but sitting down and actually watching it i'm like "WOW! I had no clue what the hell this was about!". rambo's a grizzled 'nam vet arrested in a podunk town, and the police brutalize a little close to the sun. rambo goes NUTZOID and proceeds to flex on the donut boys with his vietnam know-how for days. pretty sweet. he flips out at the end, because WHOOPS this action movie's atcually about the horrors of war! but WHOOPS again because apparently they say "screw it!" and send his ass back to 'nam in the sequels. artistic integrity an making a statement is one thing; money is god.
[UNDEFEATABLE - 1993]
if you don't like cynthia rothrock you're wrong. this is a pretty cromulent revenge movie, but it's mostly good in the absurdity of the setup and the increasingly convoluted reasons to make cynthia kick people. like, her sister is murdered, she's looking for the guy who did it, fights some gangs along the way. normal stuff. gets bogged down by the cops and her romance with the dude cop, who's a lame stick-in-the-mud. you get into a good rhythm of crazy fight scenes, then the movie stops all the action to explain the obvious in the police investigation. you see rothrock's dead sister in the morgue, eyes gouged out an all, and that's pretty cool, but the rest of the movie is completely devoid of gore so it's out of place. she looks like a high-end spirit halloween prop.
[THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE II - 1986]
following up with another IMMACULATE SEQUEL, TCM 2! if you know me irl, you know this is in my top three movies ever. it flips around the thing and freaked, all fighting for the number one spot. and that's 'cus it's glorious. a complete tonal 180 from the original. batshit insane. takes the family from the first movie and says "FUCK IT! THEY DO FOODTRUCKS NOW. THEY LIVE IN AN ABANDONED THEME PARK NOW!" they replace the hitchhiker with THE BEST CHARACTER OF ALL TIME, ROBERT "CHOP TOP" SAWYER. ohhhh, chop top. he's an odd concept in a film chock with odd concepts and bizarre little details. like lg's fry house. the decision to name "the cook". the bone radio he has in the food truck. the gore wall. franklin's skeleton, still sitting in his wheelchair. everything regarding chop top.
[SLEEPAWAY CAMP II: UNHAPPY CAMPERS - 1988]
I LOVE ANGELA. angela baker is an all-timer slasher and she doesn't get the clout she deserves, likely because of the messy gender/representation situation, but WHATEVER. SHE'S GREAT. I can't abide by the weaklings who dislike that she's no longer shy and quiet like in the first movie, but newsflash, people: SHE'S GROWN UP! she's come into her own as a professional camp counselor and party pooper. she's so fun to watch. very few slashers also double as the main character, and angela excels at flipping between caring overseer and merry murderess. i'm awed by the gusto with which she deposits the unhappy campers. that bit where she's calmly securing the girl's cabin so she can kill demi is perfect. (and the fact she immediately falls victim to the ol "bucket of water" gag afterwards is great, too.) angela baker did nothing wrong. underrated entry in an underrated series.
[FUEGO TAKIS]
i'm really pushing the boundaries as to what can be considered a film here. but my sister, who will never read this wesbite, got me a bag, and i'm bored, so here we are. this isn't going to be anywhere near a competent review, as less than an hour ago I singed the inside of my mouth with dentist-grade mouthwash, so i'm in pain and everything tastes somewhat mentholly. what of the snack? it alright, from what I can actually taste. the package promises EXTREME SPICE, but i'm not getting it through the thick layer of menthol. it's definitely spicier than, like, hot doritos. i'm pretty sure these only started getting sold in this country in the last four years because of tikok or something. I dunno. I was gonna make a whole point about americanisation, but then I remembered that I fucking love pop tarts so I don't have a leg to stand on, really. the further I get into the bag, the more they strip the menthol out of my mouth.
[POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD - 2006]
god damn do I love troma. I think my dream job is propmaker for a troma flick. can you imagine waking up, heading to the workshop, and thinking "ah, yes. today's the day I work on that mop that goes up that guy's ass and through his dick! I should see if mr kaufman wants the tip on the end of the mop, that'd be pretty fucked". runner up job is extra on a troma flick. looks like a fun gig. this movie's absurd, gross, and a musical for some reason- one of troma's best fer sher. the kid playing arbie is giving it his absolute max and clearly having the time of his LIFE. wendy's also giving it an excellent go, but big ups especially to her goofy, flailing run. cracks me up, man.
[WINNERS & SINNERS - 1983]
I missed the first third of this one, and i've never regretted watching family guy more. (it was the episode where stewie and lois take edibles. it was alright.) right off the bat: hong kong martial arts movies are TOTALLY the asian equivalent to those mildly-watchable 70s british sex comedies, improved massively by the presence of kung fu. i've become quite fond of them these last two months, and have ingested DOZENS that don't make it to the site's filmlog (but are dutifully noted in my physical filmlog). the more absurd they get, the more wacky the fight choreo becomes, the more i'm invested. all this to say that this movie ROCKS. some of the most batshit physics i've seen in these films (any contact in a fight will result in somebody being FLUNG into a wall) combined with an exquisite cast with TRUE GENUINE YUKS. immediate top-ten movie for me. no contest. gotta watch more sammo hung POSTHASTE!
[THE KON-TIKI EXPEDITION, THOR HEYERDAHL - 1948]
this is a book. what, are you gonna say I can't write about books? in my own damn film log? get outta here. I read "Aku-Aku", the second book mr.heyerdahl wrote about his travels in polynesia, last year, and thought it was immaculate- a tale of a man and the entire population of easter island flipping between scamming and charming eachother, with the ultimate goal of DISCOVERY in mind. it ends on a melancholy note, as both parties recognise that they're huckstering eachother for profit, and thor's team sails away from easter island with treasures and well-earned lessons in mutuality in tow. Kon-Tiki is its total tonal opposite. it opens with thor assembling his crack team of specialists and pitching his plan to many incredulous officials: craft a sailing vessel out of balsa wood in the same way the ancient polynesian people must have done hundreds of years ago. there are no flimflams at play here. just raw belief and comradery in his fellow man. the recollection of the journey itself is glorious, as the surrounding aquatic life and shining seas never become mundane to the crew, and this much bleeds through in the text. it shouldn't be a spoiler to tell you that thor & the boat boys (as i'm now calling them forever) made it, and were witness to a beautiful reception by the people of raroia, who greeted them warmly with constant dancing, leis, and feasts. god damn. it's easy to see how tiki culture took america by storm. i'll cap off the trilogy with the lesser-discussed Fatu-Hiva when I get my hands on it, but i'll be sad to leave these adventures behind.
[THE ABOMINABLE DR PHIBES - 1971]
still an absolute all-timer of a movie. the levels of sheer panache at play here are unparalleled, but that's a given for any
"vincent price gets unbelievably stylish- kensington gore to follow" type of movie. it's not at all controversial to say that this is the best of this esteemed genre, purely down to phibe's own theatrical presence and INSANE BIBLICAL KILLS. my favourite is the frog mask. so brutal! the shots cutting back and forth between the tightening cogs and the POV shot of our hapless victim stumbling up the stairs, and as the jaunty tune playing reaches a head- CRRRRRACK. (the party guests all stepping to one side of the staircase so he can drop down still makes me titter.) i've always wondered what vulnavia's deal is, exactly. you assume she's one of the clockwork people phibe's whipped up, but [SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE THAT'S OVER FIFTY YEARS OLD] the cops melt her with acid at the end, and she expresses pain, which i'm pretty sure is a "people" thing, right? 100% understand WHY she's joint-enterprising these murders, however, as I too would unspeakingly aid that man in avenging his bride. victoria is a lucky woman, aside from the whole "died on the operating table", thing... have you SEEN him at his wifeshrine????? movie's got some of the finest posters & lobby cards i've ever seen, were I the high-powered collector type i'd hoard them forever. alas, my jpegs must do.
[RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY - 1991]
totally mindblowing. you think this is a normal prison movie until the guards break down the shonen-battle layout of the place: our main guy's gotta battle the high-powered leader of each cell block, the assistant warden, the warden, as well as contend with grunts and petty thugs along the way. and CONTEND HE DOES. right off the bat he pushes a guy into a board of nails for bullying an old man- and the gore really catches you off-guard. it's great. I don't wanna get into spoiler territory but the batshittery never stops. immaculate bit of cinema.
[PCU - 1994]
unfortunately, despite my best efforts, my uni experience was WAY more this movie than animal house. the best way to describe this movie is "douchey". everyone's such a douche. our heroes, the PC masses against which they rebel, the frats, all douchebags. it's cus those DAMN PC LIBERALS are always PROTESTING and it means nobody can TOGA PARTY no mo. but how do their SHENANIGANS weigh up? pretty damn okay. our audience-surrogate prefreshman kid spends most of the movie getting chased by an angry mob comprised of multiple political protest groups and cliques, which makes for some fun visuals if nothing else. the bit where the metalhead guy is sent to the stoner's house was chilling- i've been in that house. low, grey lighting. no music. dutch angles. any time we spend with gutter is hilarious, especially when he's FREAKING THE EFF OUT and it smashcuts to TV footage of him pleading before congress. chuckles were had, I can't deny it.
[SCOOBY-DOO! AND THE RELUCTANT WEREWOLF - 1988]
the awkward, ugly twin to the famous "ghoul school" special. apparently they released a month apart. in the summer. I wonder, did the kids get scooby-doo fatigue back then? did anyone sit there and wonder why they didn't hold off on this one until october? it's a zany concept, I guess. dracula turns shaggy into a werewolf so he can complete his monster mash, because he refuses to hold their annual wacky races without a wolfman. he does have a wolf-thing under his employ, but drac's prejudiced against him so he can't race. and uhhhhh. I dunno. a bunch of crap happens. it takes way too long to actually get to the death race, and by the time we get there they've exhausted the animation budget. dracula and his two hunchback henchmen are pretty fun, so when the special focuses on them doing dick dastardly schtick you don't mind it too much. WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY?
[THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN - 1977]
genuinely batshit movie. I caught it last night, and it's rerunning as I type this. yes, I am willingly watching this twice in twelve hours. that's how good it is. bruce lee, who died in 1973 and is depicted here by some other guy, wakes up in hell and starts beefing with the emperor of hell or something. then he goes to get food, because hell has some decent noodle places apparently, and meets popeye. like the dude's genuinely popeye. I thought the other fella he meets was supposed to be billy the kid, but it turns out after a bit of google-fu on my end that he's supposed to be david carradine. death race 2000 david carradine. the rest of the film is made up of nutty fight scenes, guys dressed as skeletons, and the king of hell playing bizzaro sex games with his concubines. dracula shows up. dracula does kung fu. if that doesn't sell you on this movie you're dead inside.
[FP2: BEATS OF RAGE - 2018]
if you recall, experiencing "THE FP [2011]" was a revelation for me. FP2, not so much. don't get me wrong, it's an incredible time for sure, and definitely in the upper tier of movies i've seen for this scene, but I dunno. the edges are sanded off. not even in the obvious way (nobody's dropping slurs in this one) but in the lack of gun violence and nudity, which are pretty obviously absent in the finale. tame stuff in comparison to it's predecessor, probably 'cus it was made in 2018, the least crunk year we ever had. still mad quotable though. truly, the best part of these movies is how every actor commits to the bit.
[RAISING ARIZONA - 1987]
unfortunately, at the same time as starting this movie, I impulsively decided to take the calves in on a pair of leather boots, despite having no leathercrafting knowledge and a lack of tools. word to the wise- don't do that, as you'll achieve nothing but killing a pair of perfectly good boots. even if the boots have obscenely wide calves that could easily fill with water on a rainy day. so I was hung up on the boots for the most part, but the movie itself seemed bretty decent.
[UP IN SMOKE - 1978]
confession- i've never seen this whole movie the whole way through. i've certainly been in the same ROOM as the movie as it ran, for the entire duration of the film, but for reasons BEYOND MY KNOWLEDGE I tend to phase out during the raid and come back into the movie when everyone's at the roxy. I suppose that works fine, cus the plot's less of a plot and moreso a series of hijinks. and good hijinks they be. the best part of this movie is the bit where everyone you're watching it with realises that cheech is kinda ripped, and it BLOWS THEIR MINDS.
[MARYJANE - 1968]
do you see a theme with the movies this weekend? for what seems to be the 60's answer to 'reefer madness', maryjane has a pretty levelheaded look at youth weedsmoking. you get all angles here- weed makes you drive off a cliff and die, but it's also just something kids do for kicks, but it's also a gateway drug, but it's really not a big deal if you smoke a little, but don't get the movie wrong: it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and you will have a BAD TIME FOR SMOKING IT. dig the jail scene where we watch a guy throw a massive whitey and kill himself about it. the bigger threat in the movie is the evergeen evil of PEER PRESSURE. our teens are just a bunch of asshole delinquents who'd be causing trouble with or without grass. though the weed helps give them branding, as they all wear these incredible pendants that say MARYJANE on them, as that's their club's name! THEY'RE THE MARYJANE CLUB! enjoyable bit of melodrama all the same- there's even a bit where they all get stoned at a funfair! like adventureland!
FLEX OF THE CENTURY: I caught this beauty in a REAL CINEMA last night. and we got a CORNETTO for each film! (ignore the fact that I work at that cinema, it's not relevant.) right off the bat, my beef- I think hot fuzz and world's end should switch cornetto flavours. I know it's not possible. but when time travel happens, and I win the subsequent time travel lottery, I will go back in time and implore edgar wright to film hot fuzz with the mint cornetto. the countryside, you see, is green. and the aliens, you see, are blue. it just makes sense. BEEF OVER. WHAT AN INCREDIBLE TRILOGY! I don't wanna hear any tier lists or rankings of the movies. they're sisters. and we do not choose favourite children. watching them back-to-back makes you notice some of the lesser-known themes between the films: didja know all three of them feature twins? now you do. the trilogy is the finest celebration of the british mundane ever conceived. so. freakin'. good.
[HALF BAKED - 1998]
I hate to say it but these guys are totally living the dream. I mean, funny movie, classic fer sher, but i'm hung up on their apartment. god damn. someone go back in time and give that set dresser a RAISE. I maintain that the best stoner comedies aren't about Two Guys, but rather Many Guys. and shenanigans. is this the only stoner comedy where the main character actually gives up weed? good for him. chapelle's rascally charisma carries.
[BIG MONEY RUSTLAS - 2010]
sincerely love ICP. sincerely love westerns. SINCERELY LOVED BIG MONEY HUSTLAS- so this did NOT disappoint. I wish they kept on making spoof movies forever, but shit, what we did get was excellent. hits on all the cliches of a western with enough wrestling and clown bullshit to REALLY sell it. and, as usual, the sound effect usage was on point. hilarious. huge shoutout to the pimpslapping scene- you know the one.
[MAC AND ME - 1988]
NIGHTMARE MOVIE FROM THE ETHER, CREATED TO PEDDLE DEMONIC FOODSTUFFS TO CHILDREN. DID YOU SEE MAC? DID YOU SEE MAC'S FATHER? THEY GAVE THAT THING A GUN!
[BMX BANDITS - 1983]
I swear, this whole movie is chase scenes, dayglo, and sound effects. I don't care HOW radical you are, BMX bikes will never make those futuristic whooshing noises. I think there's a plot in it somewhere, about walkie talkies or whatever, but it's mainly an excuse for the main trio to do EXCELLENT BIKE STUNTS and STICK IT TO THE MAN. ish. they stick it to the evil guys, who bicker like a married couple, but they bend the knee to the cops. it's a "KIDS VERSUS ADULTS" rebellion with no real bite. I have to admit, however, the ending where they rally every kid in australia to go take down "THE GOONS" is pretty sweet, as every extra present is clearly buzzing with excitement to be there, pelting the bad guys with flour. then it ends with everyone getting doused in foam- you almost expect bugsy malone to emerge from the ocean, flanked by his men, to do a pie fight.
[FRIDAY - 1995]
I expect to see this movie no less than three times over the course of this weekend- AND THAT'S A GOOD THING. just about the easiest, breeziest movie i've ever seen, part of the ascended tier of films about people just hangin' out. even when the stakes get high with their drug escapades, even when shit gets heavy when craig's dad talks him down from taking up his gun... it's just a good time. craig stands up to deebo. smokey doesn't quit smoking. everyone TRIUMPHS.
[SCOTT PILGRIM TAKES OFF - 2023]
it alright. as a certified Side Character Enjoyer, I can appreciate how much time we spend with the series' extensive cast, but i'm also Neutral About Ramona, so the fact that she's the MAIN CHARACTER and also GOD now bristles me somewhat. I had the plot twist of HOLY SHIT SCOTT'S GONE spoiled in 2023, and I still think that once scott comes back the series crumbles apart, because uh. without scott and ramona's development over the books, why should I care about their relationship? the mystery aspect of his disappearance is fun, I guess. but the series is truly a chance to hang out with the characters, which was also the best part of the comics.
[SWAMP APE THE MOVIE - 2017]
extremely slow start with some hilariously bad acting to tide you over until the swamp ape himself makes an appearance. spoilers, as if you're ever gonna watch this thing, but the swamp ape has his junk out the whole time and its pretty funny. every kill is incredibly abrupt- we aren't here to LINGER or consider the PATHOS of situation. there's nothing here to take seriously, and that's a good thing! and the whole hour of it is on youtube! for FREE!
[ALIEN PRIVATE EYE - 1987]
YET AGAIN, THE GOOD FOLKS DOWN AT THE GRINDHOUSE HAVE ANOINTED ME WITH AN IMMACULATE MOVIE. this is indescribable, as most ambrosias are. how can I sell the PERFECT movie? our main guy is a vaguely stoic, largely jacko, dancin'-an'-groovin' alien detective. as in, a detective who IS an alien. his only alien features are his pointy ears and bizarro behaviour. there's a plot about drugs or whatever but it takes a backseat to the tremendous freakshow of a cast on offer- highlights are a rad-talkin' valley dude alien who only speaks in quotables, and another alien who's super committed to a not-too-shabby peter lorre impression, which he's presumably putting on for some long-winded cascablanca reference. also of note is our main antagonist, kilgore, who has a SUPREMELY badass false tooth with a SKULL AND CROSSBONES ON IT that is FILLED WITH POISON that he MELTS A PRIEST WITH. SIIIIICK.
[CHILD'S PLAY - 1988]
only caught the back third of it, but I mustve seen the first two thirds a million times, so it evens out in the grand scheme of things probably. I always forget that andy gets put in Mentally Unwell Child Jail- the kid's acting when he realises that nobody's gonna help him escape chucky is genuinely heartbreaking. chucky, in the distant shots, clearly being a dude in a suit is slightly less heartbreaking. and it goes without saying that the ending is BADASS. top to tail. the final chucky confrontation(s) are GOLD.
[SUPER TROOPERS - 2001]
the only flaw I have, as a person, is that i've really enjoyed every broken lizard movie i've seen so far- I may even qualify as a fan of broken lizard. i'm easily tickled by frat bro comedy, and my only regret is that I have yet to meet anyone of similarly terrible taste with whom to quote these flicks with. chuckles were had.
[THE FP - 2011]
this is a strong contender for the best movie i've ever seen AND I'M NOT KIDDING. imagine it- ddr gang wars. the slow death of "crunk", depicted onscreen, like a supernova blazing out. dialogue comprised of equal parts nonsense and n bombs. our main guy is like if solid snake was rhys strongfork, and is the only character capable of speaking normal sentences- this makes him kinda lame, but he makes up for it by being pretty damn excellent at getting drugged and playing ddr. on the dialogue: the actor's ability to devliver these immaculate lines with a straight face is commendable, if not downright incredible. this movie might be my bible now.
[THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE - 1987]
what's worse- this movie, or the fact that i've WILLINGLY sat down to watch it again? friday night, working on comics, and I have chosen to witness this movie once more. GOD HELP ME. imagine being a kid when this movie came out, a gpk aficionado, bugging your parents to take you to see it... subjecting them (AND YOURSELF) to not ONLY the hideous suits. not ONLY the gross, half-assed humour. but also the fact that the plot is about some kid exploiting the garbage pail kids for labour in a fashion sweatshop. so he can bang a (presumably) grown woman. who, in turn, thinks she's exploiting HIM, because she has no idea about the garbage pail kids- they're abominations and must hide away from the light or some shit. also the woman is also being exploited by her own boyfriend, who's acting as a fashion pimp of sorts and takes all of her earnings. I can't overstate how ugly the titular garbage pail kids are, by the way. any pathos they attempt to build with those freaks is undercut by simply looking at and listening to them. at least the set design's pretty legit? like the antique store the gpk live in is a cool place. lots of props to distract yourself with, as you violently look away from the gpk. and, I admit it- the concept of "The State Home For The Ugly" got a chuckle out of me. shitty movie overall, though.
[ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE - 2001]
I LOVE THIS MOVIE WITH ALL MY HEART. it's not perfect but it's pretty damn close. god. it's a feast for the eyes. a treat for the soul. just look at the individual character animation. those backgrounds. the less-than-seamless-but-still-cromulent integration of cg assets. if the whole movie was the journey up to atlantis, hanging out with the EXCELLENT cast, it'd be the best movie ever made. but alas, we gotta spend time IN atlantis, which is a beautiful pile of LOST POTENTIAL. despite how much I adore this movie, i'll never get over how dumb it is that the entire population of atlantis is illiterate and only milo can save them. come on now. but i'd endure million stupid plot points for vincenzo santorini. siiiiigh.
[DEATH RACE - 2008]
right off the bat, I have to state that I L-O-V-E death race 2000. watching it for the first time was a religious experience for me. my only career goal since has been "frankenstein". so my hopes were pretty high coming into this equally schlocky, dark-n-edgier reboot. and immediately we get all this backstory and pathos and whatever, as the main guy loses his job at the steel mill and gets his wife killed and WHO CARES JUST STICK HIM IN THE CAR. who needs all this context? the death race ITSELF is ample social commentary without all the prison-system malarkey taped onto it. just imagine it- a whole TEAM of idiots had to come together to birth a death race movie that takes FOURTY MINUTES to actually get to the death race. and even after you sit through all the preamble, the shaky-cam races themselves aren't even half the spectacle they should be. what do you MEAN there aren't civilians to mow down for points?
[SCOTT PILGRIM - 2004/2010]
scott pilgrim is a series that's always given me incredible pain. and that's down to the raw ENVY (no pun nintendo) I feel at the cast. yes, the infamously dysfunctional group of losers in this shit make me horribly jealous. why shouldn't I be? they're living the 2006 hipster dreamife up in canada! they got a band! they got places to hang out! they got relatively cool apartments! god DAMN you, scott pilgrim. you don't know how good you have it. (for reference- my favourite volume is 4, because YAY SUMMER! my least might be 5? I dunno, seeing kim get put through the wringer sucks pretty bad.) ADDENDUM- it's a well-trod topic, but I too bristle at the slow chibi-fication of the cast throughout the books, and i'm only a little miffed that said chibi-fication spread to the animated series... but that's a discussion for another day. it's ironic how, as scott matures as a person, he appears more childlike.
[HOPPERS - 2026]
so I haven't sat down and watched this movie in the traditional sense- i've put it together piecemeal via doing screenchecks at work. it's bretty good! beats the hell out of screenchecking "the bride" and "scarlet", anyway. I appreciate how the concept devolves over the course of the film, until act 3 is totally batshit insane. good on pixar for making a movie that isn't a sequel.
[THE MUMMY - 1959]
a tad sluggish at times, but the slow moments are worth it for every second the mummy himself is on screen in all of his gnarly glory. the makeup work on that thing is nuts- he's ever so CRUSTY! and I defy you to find me another horror movie that ends with the whole gang successfully gunning the monster down. good stuff.
[FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING - 1989]
I have a confession to make- this is my 2nd favourite friday the 13th movie. (my favourite one's even worse!) and that's because it's completely absurd. they set it up like this movie's the big confrontation between a now-grown tommy jarvis and the big man himself, but spoilers: JASON'S NOT EVEN IN IT! it's some rando from the start doing the killing. that's the MAGIC of this movie. it's a whole cast of irrelevant randos getting introduced and killed immediately. nobody in this movie matters. they're all mere setups for death scenes. tommy barely gets a look-in between all of the coffin stuffers in the cast, but when he does clock into the movie it rules: he straight up suplexes a guy into a table for pranking him. my only qualm is that the schlock horror prince, miguel a. nunez jr HIMSELF, is damn near wasted in his role, but he gives it a tremendous go anyhow.
[ADDENDUM] - I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THE DINER COUPLE. my favourite irrelevant instakills in all of horror. my god. the swagger of this weasel-looking guy pulling up for a hot date and immediately taking a classic 80's coke break is burned into my mind. and the utter zazz with which the waitress gets ready? "iiiiiit's SHOWTIME!"
[CROCODILE - 2000]
duncan is such a tremendous piece of shit that it's not even funny, but him wrassling the croc to save that dog was pretty tight so whatever. he's such a piece of shit that he makes the giant croc THROW UP. I missed the first two thirds of this flick, but i'm told nothing major happened anyway. the cg croc is so immensely sucky that I couldn't help but love her. someday i'll watch the whole thing, cuz it seems to be just the type of crappy movie I love. tobe hooper hits it out of the park again!
[OUT THERE - 2013]
had I seen this show in 2013, I would've been ok I think. it's one of those beautiful, bizarro adult cartoons that only got one season, and what a season it is. it's downright goddamn COMFY. follows a couple of loser teens in a midwestern town getting into loser teen shit. the visuals are my EXACT jam- fucked up creature-looking people on watercolour-looking backgrounds. the springoween episode is my favourite, because mr ryan quincy really zeroed in on that horrible state where you're too old for traditional halloween, but not connected enough to go actually party on halloween night. the whole show is like that, really. it's great.
[ARCO - 2025]
that's my artsy animation quota filled for this year! it was pretty alright. my heartstrings were not sufficiently tugged on by their designated heartstring-tugging moments, and the celebrity voices were kind of distracting, but hey. the animation knocks it out of the park. I especially loved the trio of alien-hunting guys, but that's mostly for their doofy outfits and wackier movement than the rest of the cast.
[HORROR HOSPITAL - 1973]
this stars the same guy from the "confessions of.." series, so you already know this is PRESTIGIOUS BRITISH CINEMA. I couldn't tell you the plot even if I tried- the setting isn't even a hospital as far as I can tell, but an old stately manor. unlike corruption, which I watched with this as a double feature, it does get in a couple of genuine shocks. ending's pure japes though. give it a watch if you can tolerate gratuitous, shitty fight scenes, attitudes "of the era", and absolute nonsense.
[CORRUPTION - 1968]
I have a hard time believing that the kills in this one shocked anybody, even in 1968. the gore's just missing that OOMPH factor. you know it's dire when even the reveal of a head in a freezer is underwhelming. lady macbeth tossing that guy off the cliff was pretty great though. she makes the movie QUITE bearable. they try and blow your mind with the ending "twist", if it even qualifies.
[MEET THE FEEBLES - 1989]
I kid you not, this movie blew my mind so hard that, after passing out into a dreamless sleep, I woke up the next morning and immediately watched it again. it's perfect. imagine it, if you dare- sleazy australian muppets. backstage shenanigans. and all of the exquisite gunge you'd expect from an early peter jackson film... go watch it. seriously. I won't get into any more details, only that the ending had me absolutely ENRAPTURED.
[WILLIE DYNAMITE - 1973]
any morals this movie has to teach about the spiritual ills of the pimpin' lifestyle are instantly undercut by that scene where mr dynamite himself GLIDES down those stairs. you know the one. big ups to cora.
