I watch an awful lot of awful movies. now you can live vicariously through my writing and feel like you've seen some, too! big ups to the grindhouse- you know who you are, you sickos! sometimes the things I write about aren't even movies, but what are you gonna do about it? spoilers ahoy.
[SCOTT PILGRIM TAKES OFF - 2023]
it alright. as a certified Side Character Enjoyer, I can appreciate how much time we spend with the series' extensive cast, but i'm also Neutral About Ramona, so the fact that she's the MAIN CHARACTER and also GOD now bristles me somewhat. I had the plot twist of HOLY SHIT SCOTT'S GONE spoiled in 2023, and I still think that once scott comes back the series crumbles apart, because uh. without scott and ramona's development over the books, why should I care about their relationship? the mystery aspect of his disappearance is fun, I guess. but the series is truly a chance to hang out with the characters, which was also the best part of the comics.
[SWAMP APE THE MOVIE - 2017]
extremely slow start with some hilariously bad acting to tide you over until the swamp ape himself makes an appearance. spoilers, as if you're ever gonna watch this thing, but the swamp ape has his junk out the whole time and its pretty funny. every kill is incredibly abrupt- we aren't here to LINGER or consider the PATHOS of situation. there's nothing here to take seriously, and that's a good thing! and the whole hour of it is on youtube! for FREE!
[ALIEN PRIVATE EYE - 1987]
YET AGAIN, THE GOOD FOLKS DOWN AT THE GRINDHOUSE HAVE ANOINTED ME WITH AN IMMACULATE MOVIE. this is indescribable, as most ambrosias are. how can I sell the PERFECT movie? our main guy is a vaguely stoic, largely jacko, dancin'-an'-groovin' alien detective. as in, a detective who IS an alien. his only alien features are his pointy ears and bizarro behaviour. there's a plot about drugs or whatever but it takes a backseat to the tremendous freakshow of a cast on offer- highlights are a rad-talkin' valley dude alien who only speaks in quotables, and another alien who's super committed to a not-too-shabby peter lorre impression, which he's presumably putting on for some long-winded cascablanca reference. also of note is our main antagonist, kilgore, who has a SUPREMELY badass false tooth with a SKULL AND CROSSBONES ON IT that is FILLED WITH POISON that he MELTS A PRIEST WITH. SIIIIICK.
[CHILD'S PLAY - 1988]
only caught the back third of it, but I mustve seen the first two thirds a million times, so it evens out in the grand scheme of things probably. I always forget that andy gets put in Mentally Unwell Child Jail- the kid's acting when he realises that nobody's gonna help him escape chucky is genuinely heartbreaking. chucky, in the distant shots, clearly being a dude in a suit is slightly less heartbreaking. and it goes without saying that the ending is BADASS. top to tail. the final chucky confrontation(s) are GOLD.
[SUPER TROOPERS - 2001]
the only flaw I have, as a person, is that i've really enjoyed every broken lizard movie i've seen so far- I may even qualify as a fan of broken lizard. i'm easily tickled by frat bro comedy, and my only regret is that I have yet to meet anyone of similarly terrible taste with whom to quote these flicks with. chuckles were had.
[THE FP - 2011]
this is a strong contender for the best movie i've ever seen AND I'M NOT KIDDING. imagine it- ddr gang wars. the slow death of "crunk", depicted onscreen, like a supernova blazing out. dialogue comprised of equal parts nonsense and n bombs. our main guy is like if solid snake was rhys strongfork, and is the only character capable of speaking normal sentences- this makes him kinda lame, but he makes up for it by being pretty damn excellent at getting drugged and playing ddr. on the dialogue: the actor's ability to devliver these immaculate lines with a straight face is commendable, if not downright incredible. this movie might be my bible now.
[THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE - 1987]
what's worse- this movie, or the fact that i've WILLINGLY sat down to watch it again? friday night, working on comics, and I have chosen to witness this movie once more. GOD HELP ME. imagine being a kid when this movie came out, a gpk aficionado, bugging your parents to take you to see it... subjecting them (AND YOURSELF) to not ONLY the hideous suits. not ONLY the gross, half-assed humour. but also the fact that the plot is about some kid exploiting the garbage pail kids for labour in a fashion sweatshop. so he can bang a (presumably) grown woman. who, in turn, thinks she's exploiting HIM, because she has no idea about the garbage pail kids- they're abominations and must hide away from the light or some shit. also the woman is also being exploited by her own boyfriend, who's acting as a fashion pimp of sorts and takes all of her earnings. I can't overstate how ugly the titular garbage pail kids are, by the way. any pathos they attempt to build with those freaks is undercut by simply looking at and listening to them. at least the set design's pretty legit? like the antique store the gpk live in is a cool place. lots of props to distract yourself with, as you violently look away from the gpk. and, I admit it- the concept of "The State Home For The Ugly" got a chuckle out of me. shitty movie overall, though.
[ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE - 2001]
I LOVE THIS MOVIE WITH ALL MY HEART. it's not perfect but it's pretty damn close. god. it's a feast for the eyes. a treat for the soul. just look at the individual character animation. those backgrounds. the less-than-seamless-but-still-cromulent integration of cg assets. if the whole movie was the journey up to atlantis, hanging out with the EXCELLENT cast, it'd be the best movie ever made. but alas, we gotta spend time IN atlantis, which is a beautiful pile of LOST POTENTIAL. despite how much I adore this movie, i'll never get over how dumb it is that the entire population of atlantis is illiterate and only milo can save them. come on now. but i'd endure million stupid plot points for vincenzo santorini. siiiiigh.
[DEATH RACE - 2008]
right off the bat, I have to state that I L-O-V-E death race 2000. watching it for the first time was a religious experience for me. my only career goal since has been "frankenstein". so my hopes were pretty high coming into this equally schlocky, dark-n-edgier reboot. and immediately we get all this backstory and pathos and whatever, as the main guy loses his job at the steel mill and gets his wife killed and WHO CARES JUST STICK HIM IN THE CAR. who needs all this context? the death race ITSELF is ample social commentary without all the prison-system malarkey taped onto it. just imagine it- a whole TEAM of idiots had to come together to birth a death race movie that takes FOURTY MINUTES to actually get to the death race. and even after you sit through all the preamble, the shaky-cam races themselves aren't even half the spectacle they should be. what do you MEAN there aren't civilians to mow down for points?
[SCOTT PILGRIM - 2004/2010]
scott pilgrim is a series that's always given me incredible pain. and that's down to the raw ENVY (no pun nintendo) I feel at the cast. yes, the infamously dysfunctional group of losers in this shit make me horribly jealous. why shouldn't I be? they're living the 2006 hipster dreamife up in canada! they got a band! they got places to hang out! they got relatively cool apartments! god DAMN you, scott pilgrim. you don't know how good you have it. (for reference- my favourite volume is 4, because YAY SUMMER! my least might be 5? I dunno, seeing kim get put through the wringer sucks pretty bad.) ADDENDUM- it's a well-trod topic, but I too bristle at the slow chibi-fication of the cast throughout the books, and i'm only a little miffed that said chibi-fication spread to the animated series... but that's a discussion for another day. it's ironic how, as scott matures as a person, he appears more childlike.
[HOPPERS - 2026]
so I haven't sat down and watched this movie in the traditional sense- i've put it together piecemeal via doing screenchecks at work. it's bretty good! beats the hell out of screenchecking "the bride" and "scarlet", anyway. I appreciate how the concept devolves over the course of the film, until act 3 is totally batshit insane. good on pixar for making a movie that isn't a sequel.
[THE MUMMY - 1959]
a tad sluggish at times, but the slow moments are worth it for every second the mummy himself is on screen in all of his gnarly glory. the makeup work on that thing is nuts- he's ever so CRUSTY! and I defy you to find me another horror movie that ends with the whole gang successfully gunning the monster down. good stuff.
[FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING - 1989]
I have a confession to make- this is my 2nd favourite friday the 13th movie. (my favourite one's even worse!) and that's because it's completely absurd. they set it up like this movie's the big confrontation between a now-grown tommy jarvis and the big man himself, but spoilers: JASON'S NOT EVEN IN IT! it's some rando from the start doing the killing. that's the MAGIC of this movie. it's a whole cast of irrelevant randos getting introduced and killed immediately. nobody in this movie matters. they're all mere setups for death scenes. tommy barely gets a look-in between all of the coffin stuffers in the cast, but when he does clock into the movie it rules: he straight up suplexes a guy into a table for pranking him. my only qualm is that the schlock horror prince, miguel a. nunez jr HIMSELF, is damn near wasted in his role, but he gives it a tremendous go anyhow.
[ADDENDUM] - I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THE DINER COUPLE. my favourite irrelevant instakills in all of horror. my god. the swagger of this weasel-looking guy pulling up for a hot date and immediately taking a classic 80's coke break is burned into my mind. and the utter zazz with which the waitress gets ready? "iiiiiit's SHOWTIME!"
[CROCODILE - 2000]
duncan is such a tremendous piece of shit that it's not even funny, but him wrassling the croc to save that dog was pretty tight so whatever. he's such a piece of shit that he makes the giant croc THROW UP. I missed the first two thirds of this flick, but i'm told nothing major happened anyway. the cg croc is so immensely sucky that I couldn't help but love her. someday i'll watch the whole thing, cuz it seems to be just the type of crappy movie I love. tobe hooper hits it out of the park again!
[OUT THERE - 2013]
had I seen this show in 2013, I would've been ok I think. it's one of those beautiful, bizarro adult cartoons that only got one season, and what a season it is. it's downright goddamn COMFY. follows a couple of loser teens in a midwestern town getting into loser teen shit. the visuals are my EXACT jam- fucked up creature-looking people on watercolour-looking backgrounds. the springoween episode is my favourite, because mr ryan quincy really zeroed in on that horrible state where you're too old for traditional halloween, but not connected enough to go actually party on halloween night. the whole show is like that, really. it's great.
[ARCO - 2025]
that's my artsy animation quota filled for this year! it was pretty alright. my heartstrings were not sufficiently tugged on by their designated heartstring-tugging moments, and the celebrity voices were kind of distracting, but hey. the animation knocks it out of the park. I especially loved the trio of alien-hunting guys, but that's mostly for their doofy outfits and wackier movement than the rest of the cast.
[HORROR HOSPITAL - 1973]
this stars the same guy from the "confessions of.." series, so you already know this is PRESTIGIOUS BRITISH CINEMA. I couldn't tell you the plot even if I tried- the setting isn't even a hospital as far as I can tell, but an old stately manor. unlike corruption, which I watched with this as a double feature, it does get in a couple of genuine shocks. ending's pure japes though. give it a watch if you can tolerate gratuitous, shitty fight scenes, attitudes "of the era", and absolute nonsense.
[CORRUPTION - 1968]
I have a hard time believing that the kills in this one shocked anybody, even in 1968. the gore's just missing that OOMPH factor. you know it's dire when even the reveal of a head in a freezer is underwhelming. lady macbeth tossing that guy off the cliff was pretty great though. she makes the movie QUITE bearable. they try and blow your mind with the ending "twist", if it even qualifies.
[MEET THE FEEBLES - 1989]
I kid you not, this movie blew my mind so hard that, after passing out into a dreamless sleep, I woke up the next morning and immediately watched it again. it's perfect. imagine it, if you dare- sleazy australian muppets. backstage shenanigans. and all of the exquisite gunge you'd expect from an early peter jackson film... go watch it. seriously. I won't get into any more details, only that the ending had me absolutely ENRAPTURED.
[WILLIE DYNAMITE - 1973]
any morals this movie has to teach about the spiritual ills of the pimpin' lifestyle are instantly undercut by that scene where mr dynamite himself GLIDES down those stairs. you know the one. big ups to cora.
