[CHANGELOG]

[THINGS OF THE NOW]

[FILM LOG DELUXE]
I watch an awful lot of awful movies. now you can live vicariously through my writing and feel like you've seen some, too! big ups to the sickos down at channel z- you know who you are! sometimes the things I write about aren't even movies, but what are you gonna do about it? no gods, no masters, no ranking system. i'm not even gonna explain the symbols I use. spoilers ahoy.




[WAITING... - 2004]
check me out! i'm a disgruntled wagie watchin' a movie about disgruntled wagies! definitely like this one more, now that I can relate to the characters on a deep, personal level like that. only thing i'm missing is a fun game focused on indecent exposure and WILD PARTIES after the shift is over. but shit, i'm still employed, I can work on those elements. the two busboys easily clear every single schmuck in the movie, their rap during the credits is downright excellent.

[COYOTE VS. ACME - 2026]
currently, the only benefit to my scruddy job (no points for guessing what it is.) is the two free movie tickets I get a week, outweighed by the fact that I rarely get to use them with my bizarro schedule. the stars finally aligned last week and I got a morning off- so why not cause some psychological damage by COMING INTO WORK TO WATCH A MOVIE? genius work from myself, but I picked a real gem. it's refreshing to see a movie with a "legacy IP" (how I hate that term) not overly hung up on subversion or parody: this is a sincere, heartfelt, completely honest flick about NEVER GIVING UP. everyone's already made their thinkpieces about how apt it is that a movie with such themes had to fight its way out of tax write-off hell, but shit man, it IS apt! what can I say! I loved it! it had me cackling in that near-empty first-thing-in-the-morning screen. will forte rules, but you should already know that, and john cena killed it too. I, for one, welcome this potential looney tune renaissance.

[BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY - 1991]
man, I love bill & ted. I can appreciate this movie more as I did as a kid- back then, station REALLY freaked me out, and with good cause! that thing's creepy! but nowadays I can see it for the way-out adventure it truly is, even if it's nowhere near as tight as the first movie. death is an all-timer character, seriously. love that dude. if you haven't read the bill & ted comics, check them out- they follow on directly from this film, and if I recall correctly, the first lump of the run is done by the brilliant evan dorkin. he puts the names of bands I LISTEN TO on bill & ted's clothes! I have bill & ted's music taste, guys!!!!

[THE TOXIC AVENGER - 2025]
I was super bummed that I missed this release in cinemas: my scruddy beloved four-screen just couldn't fit it in during the summer programming. booooo. so the opportunity came up yesterday to sit down and really ingest this. I braced myself for all the tasteless, lowbrow sicko business I could stomach... and got shockingly little of it. that's not to say this ISN'T a cromulent movie, or even a cromulent toxie, but it suffers from Current Year Remake Syndrome SO HARD- so much unnecessary bullshit, at the dire cost of GRODINESS! like, sure, if you wanna staple a father-son relationship angle to a toxie flick, there are certainly worse ways to do it. but every second we spend on toxie's dancing son is another second we aren't watching toxie dispose of scumbags. and even the disposals are, by and large, underwhelming. but I can't be too mad at the movie. aside from a few forced emotional cues, it remains firmly tongue-in-cheek, was worth the giggles, and I can't deny dazzled me with some excellent visuals. dinklage as toxie rules, too. shit, i'd be remiss if I didn't give a shoutout to the killer nutz, who are easily the wackiest part of the movie and therefore the best.

[BE SOMEBODY OR BE SOMEBODY'S FOOL - 1984]
oh, mr t. you force for social good, you. frankly this would've felt condescending if I watched it as a child, but as an adult this schmaltzy motivational video is genuinely uplifting. every low-budget segment is split up with a brief shot of one of the actor's telling you, the viewer, to "be somebody"... and I AM somebody! i'm gonna continue to be somebody! thanks mr t! one of the segments is, inevitably, about peer pressure, as a group of kids finds an unopened tinny and a whole pack of cigs in the trash. SCORE! they all get unreasonably turnt on a single can of beer and pass the ciggies around like joints, eventually urging their one mate to join the fun. gathering around him with their garbage offerings and everything. and all I can think is "wow! these guys must LOVE this kid! they're trying to make sure he's included in their newest hobbies!"- I know mr t. wants me to think that the one kid is pretty cool for refusing the call of the bin elixir, but the whole segment is undercut by this random dance troupe off to the side of the kids singing a ditty about peer pressure. again, i'm missing the point, because this looks to be an EXCELLENT TIME.

[SUPER MARIO BROS. - 1993]
FINALLY, CINEMA. what a baffling movie! one of these days i'll have to look into why the hell it's LIKE THIS. why is mojo nixon here, man? why'd they shave that spiral into his head? not that i'm complaining. would it have REALLY been so hard to just make a mario bros movie? was it too hard to at least dress mario and luigi in the right colours? they get into all this bullshit about lizardpeople and dimensions and crystals... I dig it. the nightclub scene is genuinely INCREDIBLE. even if it's total nonsense, the set design and prop work must be applauded. all of those monster bumper cars, the bizarro brooklyn- is it fair to call this movie essential cyberpunk? i'd say so. shit, is it fair to call this movie BODY HORROR? the fungus that's everywhere used to be a guy, and it's still totally sentient. I wonder what they used to make it, it's a super gross effect, and it's all OVER the sets.
UPDATE: I found an interview with one of the guys who made the fungus! no shit! apparently, they were called the "fungineers", and weren't credited for their efforts, which is bullshit. the big fungus all over the sets was made out of plastic tarp strung up with wires, melted appropriately, and misted with grody colours. I know what i'm doing this halloween. mr mccoy, you did an excellent job!

[HARRY POTTER & THE SORCERER'S STONE - 2001]
CONFESSION: i've never seen this movie the whole way through. it's one of those things that always seemed to be on itv when I was a kid. to this day I have no idea what scenes belong to which harry potter movie. dobby still freaks me out. what I have seen is brad neely's masterpiece "wizard people, dear reader", an audiobook-gagdub of this very movie, which is excellent, and the superior way to experience the film. this one? it's alriiiiiight. nails the feeling of being a year 7 coming into highschool, though real-life british highschool isn't so whimsical. maybe I was too cynical a child to ever fully buy into pottermania- by the time I was ten, lemony snicket already had his claws in me.

[TOY STORY - 1995]
TOY STORY PSYCHOSIS CONTINUES. I like how completely ganked woody & buzz look here, compared to the newest movies. so derpy. woody has such an asburd face that it bums me that he got smoothed down so hard as the movies went on. nobody blinks perfectly, either- their eyes are always out of sync. it's downright ENDEARING. also pretty odd to see woody as a full-on petty, dramatic bitch, after witnessing his comparatively christlike personality in 4. let woody flip out again! at the slightest provocation! c'monnnnn. sid's toys rule.

[TOY STORY 4 - 2019]
why doesn't anybody care that woody gets his voicebox ripped out. I feel like i'm going crazy. he gets gored onscreen and nobody even reacts. and it's for no reason. someone tell that tiny man that there's no toy heaven and he will NOT be martyred for these actions. gabby gabby can meet me in the pit, i'm getting that voicebox out one way or another. movie's full of baffling choices that just plain SUCK. benching most of the cast, not delving further into the forky-toy existential crisis, everything they did with buzz, everything they did with bonnie, making gabby gabby ABSURDLY evil and then trying to pull the "FEEL BAD FOR THE VILLAIN!" card on us, and the pile of retcons re: bo peep... seriously, what is UP with her face? they elsa'd her! whole thing's got a heavy, sour vibe on it.

[MATINEE - 1993]
i'm SO glad we get to see "mant" the movie. it's a faithful clown on the 50s b-horror crapola I love! they even chuck in a sharp parody of dopey family-focused matinee schlock just for the sake of it. of course, i'll always have a bias towards movies set in cinemas, as I myself am set in a cinema.

[DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE - 1965]
second time watching the movie and I STILL have no idea what the plot is, exactly. I mean, I know it's a flimsy excuse to have a bunch of scantily clad women knocking about, but that's more of a meta thing. can't complain though, avalon is tremendously dopey and price is exquisitely bitchy, and there ARE yuks to be had, which is all i'd want from this movie anyway.

[DR. STRANGELOVE - 1964]
imagine, if you will, a world in which a young woman watches a cinematic classic, finds it funny and an apt goof on the cold war, but leaves the movie primarily hung up on the british group captain. because he was cute. ain't I a RASCAL??? in my defense, mandrake's scenes with ripper are some of the funniest in an extremely funny movie.

[CHILD OF PEACH - 1987]
it was between everyone flying around the sets wuxia-style and the giant peach dragging the old lady through the woods so hard she was set aflame that I think I lost track. fun watch anyway.

[TOY STORY 5 - 2026]
toy story's been bumped up to the upper level screens of the cinema, where it's easy to stand in the back and watch from the aisle. (the lower screens have doors that open right at the front, right next to the screen, because whoever designed the building is an imbecile) so I can confidently say that, over the last fortnight, i've accrued enough "screen check" minutes in the movie to constitute a whole second viewing. it's still mid, but I can appreciate it more when i'm goofing off and avoiding my coworkers. the movie would be much easier to swallow as a jessie-focused spinoff, even if I STILL think it's hack shit to rehash her trauma from toy story 2, but I can't deny that there's fun to be had in her plot. conan o'brien toilet paper is fun to watch. this is, however, a TOY STORY MOVIE, and TOY MOVIE NEEDS BUZZ & WOODY, who are crammed in to do nothing but bicker and be irrelevant. jessie unlearning her tech racism by teaching the tech toys about playtime was pretty alright, but the movie completely whiffs it when making a larger point about ipad kids- you can't blame kids, and you can't blame the concept of tech itself! who is buying children ipads? who isn't setting boundaries and monitoring their usage? who's been producing predatory apps and content designed to keep them addicted? it sure as hell wasn't the lilypad itself. but the movie neatly sidesteps the wider societal issues at play and has the toys and the ipad all hold hands and sing kumbaya at the end. man, who cares. it's toy story 5, it enables me to commit time theft, and it'll keep me occupied until we get a GOOD movie upstairs. like minions.

[AIRHEADS - 1994]
ok, I admit it. a decent hock of my enjoyment of this movie can be attributed to steve buscemi's unwavering babeness. the long hair is tremendous on him. the same effect is deployed, to great effect, in living in oblivion. but I get away from myself. this is possibly the best movie about a radio station being held hostage ever made. second place goes to the alan partridge one. honorable mention goes to 'dead air', which is only sort of about a radio station being held hostage, but I will take any opportunity to bring up that terrible movie. BUT I GET AWAY FROM MYSELF. KRAMER'S IN IT! KRAMER!!!!

[SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD - 2011]
how many times can I say it? wretched time, that awful beast, has rendered me envious of scott pilgrim's pathetic little life. it's a good adaptation too, but DAMN. I like how the battle of the bands is used as a throughline instead of swiftly forgotten about. ties the twins into the plot all-neat-like. young neil getting to replace scott in sex bob-omb is also pretty excellent. the shorter runtime means everyone's agony & suffering is condensed- sod your angst! the world's a video game basically! music!

[SLEEPAWAY CAMP III: TEENAGE WASTELAND - 1989]
objectively the worst sleepaway camp movie, but hey. i'm never upset to see angela. disappointingly, the movie doesn't deliver on the title aside from one guy yelling "TEENAGE WASTELAND!!!" while lamely spray-painting the side of a tent- the teens are few, and their chaperones are extremely present throughout the movie, which makes the fact that angela is able to dispose of them all without getting caught outright ridiculous. her plot armor is incredible. apparently the kills had to be cut down significantly so the film could get a decent rating, which sucks, because what we get is a slasher movie that constantly looks away from the actual slashing and fx work. the whole thing feels so empty, with an extremely small cast, few extras, few memorable kills, and scant use of the sets from the last movie- they filmed them back-to-back in the same location, with "Camp New Horizons" in this movie being an in-universe rebrand of "Camp Rolling Hills" from II. aside from a brief section where angela flashes back to her time at Rolling Hills, this doesn't matter. and I guess one of the counsellors is the father of a guy she killed in the last movie? he ends up doing sodall. if there's one good thing I can say about teenage wasteland, it's that they truly lock in to the idea that angela is doing all of this out of a sense of duty- she MUST kill the fornicators, the punks, the cheerleaders, the bigots, because who else will? bums me out how the public perception of angela is based entirely on her appearance in the first film. I touched on this before, but angela grew up! she went from this shy, wide-eyed sad shadow-killer to this absurdly perky angel of death taking glee in disposing of her victims. justice for angela baker, man!

[THE DOGSHIT LIVE DJ SET HAPPENING RIGHT NOW AT 1PM THAT I CAN HEAR FROM MY GARDEN - 2026]
england is in the throes of yet another heatwave, and yet again i've had to work through the whole thing in the mornings. so, on this fine day off I was granted, I hit the garden to listen to old sci-fi radio shows, read some comics, and drink. and all was well :). UNTIL SOME DOUCHEBAG STARTS PLAYING MUSIC A FEW DOORS DOWN. it's already a violation to play your music loud enough for the whole street to hear, but that's a given on a day like this. strike 2 is if the music is shit, but again. that's probably a given. strike 3, however, is if you do a LIVE DJ SET WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO MIX OR SHUT UP. I swear to christ. a solid hour of 10 second snippets of songs constantly interrupted by some douchebag playing hypeman while attempting to disguise his dogwater blending. in fairness, around the middle of the hour we were getting up to 20 seconds of music before he cut in, but that was a brief phase- presumably he did a few more lines and picked up the pace again. got to a point where I was praying to hear the shit music (ten year old reheated trap hits, anyone?) just so I wasn't hearing this guy. I yelled a few times to put a different dj on, mostly for the catharsis of doing so, but it presumably fell on deaf ears. he's still at it. I hope he dies.

[FREDDY GOT FINGERED - 2001]
it's hilarious. i'm not sorry. this is one of the best comedies ever made. underrated for the slapstick and physical humour alone! try not to laugh when that kid gets mashed in the face. I dare you. it's like god made the movie for ME, specifically. green and torn's perfomances are utterly delirious. it's tasteless, but if you've learned anything from this page so far, you'll know that's the furthest from an issue for me. i'd be remiss to not mention the soundtrack, something truly worthy of the last gasps of the ""mtv generation"".

[CLUB DREAD - 2004]
yet again I am watching club dread, and it still rules. I think putnam is my favourite character of all time. dude just can't help but get dunked on 24/7, and jay's british accent, while objectively a stupid gag, DOES make me crease. i'm totally missing the point of the movie, however, because all I can consider is how cool it would be to work on an island vacation resort with a jimmy-buffett-esque dude.

[BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR - 2011]
you can totally tell the only thing stopping adam sandler from starring in this was his ego and refusal to play a dude with a microdick. it's heartfelt, but in that hollow "happy madison" way- the schmuck gets the girl, follows his dreams, and all joy must be undercut by a joke and manic acting. funny movie nonetheless.

[ONCE BITTEN - 1985]
it WAS a killer double feature! i'd only seen odds and ends of this one while on holiday, so much of this movie was a surprise. jim carrey's character is kind of a huge piece of shit, but he's so pathetic. and wily. so he's not a charisma black hole. wish we saw more of the vampire coven, the countess's collection of random young people from all over history. they seem bretty cool.

[VAMPIRE'S KISS - 1989]
it's too damn hot for movies. this would make a killer double feature with "once bitten". what I caught in this delirious haze was funny, so i'm gonna hit a rewatch soon.

[WORLD'S GREATEST DAD - 2009]
robin williams hangs dong, his son hangs something else. funny movie.

[CREATING REM LEZAR - 1989]
I defy you to watch this without cracking any tasteless jokes. it's impossible. they queue up prompts for zingers like there's no tomorrow.

[TOY STORY 5 - 2026]
what do you MEAN the unneccessary corporate-mandated moneyprinter sequel is trite and uninspired?
ADDENDUM: i'm sure my disdain for this incredibly medicore movie won't deepen the more I have to listen to THAT bit of the credits as I clean the screen all summer! i'm so sure.

[CARAVAN FROM FALLOUT: NEW VEGAS - 2011]
I just learned how to play caravan. i've been playing this game for a decade and only just looked into it. i'm addicted.

[SAVAGE HOUSE - 2026]
I caught one minute of this during a screencheck and resolved to watch the whole thing immediately. did NOT disappoint. delirious bit of black comedy set in ye olde georgian times, and doesn't hold back on the period's inherent grimness. got me hollering and pointing at the screen whenever "a rake's progress" was mentioned- I know that series of paintings!!!

[LEE CRONIN'S THE MUMMY - 2026]
any critiques I have about this movie are drowned out by my kneejerk "EUUUUGHGHGHGHGHGHG" reaction. the movie succeeds as a horror, as I was horrified, but I also wasn't sober and the first lurch into grodiness winded me. it's a grody movie. the first two acts had me quaking. and the third act was ok too, I guess? the ending's very "EVERYONE WINS". i'd say I need to rewatch it to form a proper opinion, but I won't. the initial evil of "JESUS GOD CHRIST THEY FOUND HER IN A SARCOPHAGUS" combined with the reveal OF the kid messed me up harder than any of the viscera. and I can't recount much of this pretty long movie aside from my disgust at the FX. no characters or nothing.

[NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - 1990]
FUN FACT! I had a major-level bill moseley phase in october, and actually ragequit the movie on my first watch when I realised he was johnny, and therefore wouldn't survive the first five minutes. spoilers for night of the living dead [1968], by the way. nowadays, i'm somewhat more levelheaded, and have decided to watch all the non-bill bits. and they're good! goes beyond the schtick of being a "modern" update by keeping a leg in the aesthetics of the 60s (shoutout to the black and white set they watch the news updates with) while upping the gore and effects. tom savini, you beautiful-minded man, you... of course, the original ending (no spoilers) is much more tragic and far more poignant a statement than the hamfisted corpse "abuse" on display here. we're JUST like the ghouls, guys. for real!!!!

[A MINECRAFT MOVIE - 2025]
when this movie came out, I must've seen it five times within a month's span via camrips in chatrooms. this is not a positive thing. the movie is also not a positive thing. it's almost tragicomic the nosedive it takes as soon as the characters enter minecraft. in a beautiful world, jared hess would've conned the minecraft people into letting him make a full-length version of the first 25 minutes of the film, but we live on a shitty prisonplanet, so all of his directing and style must be drowned underneath CG HELL. every character except momoa's is a nothingburger. seriously. nobody except momoa and jack black do much of anything. if not for for aquaman there'd be no movie. ugly movie, unfunny, late to the punch, barely enjoyable for irony reasons.

[WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE? - 1962]
on this week's installment of "MOVIES I WILL SOMEDAY FORCE MY SISTER TO WATCH AT GUNPOINT"- this one. it's essential sistercore. I have no doubt in my mind that, upon watching this movie, she'll declare that we MUST do jane and blanche as halloween costumes. and I will rejoice. but until then my enjoyment of this movie rings forever true. both davis and crawford go insane in their performances, as they are known to do.

[CLUB DREAD - 2004]
immaculate slasher parody. no notes. but then again, i'm a total sucker for island vacation movies, so it's a given that I love this shit. also, broken lizard. 'nuff said. the entire scene where the villain (no spoilers!) breaks down the motive is excellent, as is the performance from that point onward. total 180 on the acting to hilarious effect. yet another ALL TIMER.

[WINNERS & SINNERS - 1983]
I caught the first third this time, and it seals it: this is officially one of my favourite movies EVER. god. damn. hilarious. I appreciate that our group of ex-con cleaners aren't perfect martial artists: for every kick they deliver successfully, they miss three and take some incredible pratfalls. this movie's an excellent variety show. skits, kung-fu, rollerskating, genuinely impressive stuntwork, and a downright gratuitous car crash scene where they wreck like fifteen vehicles. probably even more. I wasn't counting.

[BACKROOMS - 2026]
look at me, being CURRENT and SEEING MOVIES at the CINEMA. ignore the fact that I get free tickets cuz I work there. I have very little to say about the movie itself, as I was moreso awed at how many of "the youths" were at the venue. our usual demographic is the 40-to-70 range, so seeing the zoomie masses at concessions was almost unnerving. very little eye contact was shared. you've never seen so many pairs of baggy jeans in that place at once. the kids are rolling OUT for this one!!!! and they're eating it up! and it's somewhat undeserved! the actual "backrooms" segments were great, and as someone only slightly aware of the backrooms as a concept they were pretty chilling. chiwetel ejiofor gives an incredible performance, but he's not given a fat lot to work with- unfortunately, this is yet another modern horror movie where the REAL horror is TRAUMA and INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS. i'm still trying to figure out how, in a movie with a cast of five, only two characters have 'meaningful' interactions with eachother. and that's me stretching it, as they're therapist & patient. so they kinda gotta be talking. i'm split on the dinner scene, as i'm a sucker for a dinner scene in a horror movie, but ultimately it marks a sharp downturn in the film's quality. too much of peeking behind the curtain. tldr- backrooms segments good, effects work top notch, writing eh, zoomers are seeing movies now.

[DAVE MADE A MAZE - 2017]
comfiest horror movie EVER. it's like how every little big planet horror level should've been. the eerieness of crafting supplies. raw cardboard craftsmanship. whimsical papercraft traps. doctor venture is there. it's pretty damn funny, too. you kinda forget it's a horror film because you're having SO MUCH FUN with these wacky hipsters in this neverending cardboard maze, and then they drop CARDBOARD BRYNN on you. holy jesus.

[OBSESSION - 2026]
grim. potentially the grimmest movie i've seen this year, certainly the grimmest movie on the page so far. it's incredible horror, genuinely SKIN CRAWLING, but this isn't a light movie. i'm shocked at how many people are choosing this for a date night. it's the kind of movie that makes you want to surgically remove your significant other with a scalpel. i'm keeping vague, as I went in (nearly) blind, I implore you to do the same- they don't pussyfoot around with explaining "the rules" of the situation or doing any "wow, this situation I wished for was GREAT but it's turning AWFUL" malarkey. right in with the evil. melts into brutal. I guess it's part of the new evolution of horror, focusing on the visceral and the interpersonal. go see it if you want your day ruined.

[A GOOFY MOVIE - 1995]
god, I must've seen this thing a million times as a child. I could recite it, beat-for-beat, no problem. such a class movie. I wanna draw particular attention to the absolute insane colouring on display here- not a sunset goes by unbeautifully, no landscape unvibrant... did you SEE the scene at the mermaid motel? i'm in awe of the greens and teals there. masterful. my only critique is how it's a half-musical. you get those numbers at the start, the big "act 3 reconciliation" track, and I 2 I, but there's a massive chunk in the middle with no musical bits, which sucks because the songs in the movie are SO GOOD. we do get a vacation montage, but that doesn't count. you get the sense that disney really, REALLY wanted to reel in The Youths, as the film just SMACKS of the then-contemporary nineties. in a good way. they got PAULY SHORE, man. PAULY SHORE.

[SERIAL MOM - 1994]
for reference, the last john waters movie I watched was 'desperate living', so the polish on this one threw me for a loop. it makes sense that his movies would gain polish over time, but the cleanness blew me AWAY. like this is a movie you could introduce to your parents over dinner. the john waters movie you recommend to your sister as a way to frog-boil her en route to 'female trouble'. that's not to say it's devoid of waters' panache, far from it- it SMACKS of his obsession with murderers and their absurd trials. downright indulgent with it. and, worry not, we do get a little gross along the way. but this is definitely more on the fun-kitsch end of the spectrum.

[GRANDMA'S BOY - 2006]
used to know a guy who's favourite movie was this. (hiya ashley, if you ever read this!) and it's alright. not my favorite stoner comedy but not the worst i've seen, either. cromulent film about video games. uplifting ending where the losers win, you know the type. I missed a chunk out of the middle, like half an hour, and it didn't make the movie incomprehensible or anything. i'm sure I missed some funny bits, however, cus what I did catch made me chuckle a litle. the GRANDMA plays VIDEO GAMES.

[MAMA DRACULA - 1980]
if there was a plot I totally missed it. i'm pretty sure they grew those two twins in a vat specifically to become movie draculas.

[ARSENIC AND OLD LACE - 1944]
so I absolutely LOVE peter lorre, right. one summer I watched every single one of his movies I could get my hands on (thanks, archive.org!) and they all engraved themselves into my mind. but this one. this is a PERFECT MOVIE. and not just 'cus my lorre bias. if you've never seen it, drop everything and go watch it now. you're missing out on some of the cleanest screwball black comedy ever produced. better to go in without any knowledge and be blindsided by the whole absurd thing. the humor still holds up! this movie gets me cackling, I tell ya.

[THE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS:
THE IDIOTS ABROAD - 1985]
so while my laptop was having its zillionth crap-attack, I reread this neat adventure to subdue my rage. (I also reread "grass roots", but i'll talk about that later.) my favourite thing about the freak bros comics, aside from the immaculate art courtesy of shelton, sheridan, and mavrides, are the growing sense of ambition as the stories go on. the comics started with the brothers getting into wacky stoner antics. cheech and chong business. and it's hilarious. but their get longer, more serialised, and there's always this thread of sociopolitical commentary... and it explodes with the idiots abroad. it's difficult to describe if you haven't read all the freak brothers comics up til this point, but by now each of the trio are clearly defined and are naturally sliding into their story niches- idiots abroad takes full advantage by splitting them up for much of the run for their own special hijinks around the world. but most notable is phineas, who's been coming into his own as a kind of sociopolitcally aware mad inventor throughout their tales, who becomes a vehicle for some really heavy shit gilbert has to say about religion. the comic DOES get a little wordy at points, but listen. these pages are gorgeous. you can tell gilbert was ITCHING to execute a grand adventure. so many beautiful scenes and way-out bits of architecture. if you can track down the freak brothers omnibus, GET IT AND READ THE WHOLE THING TOP TO TAIL. i'm pretty sure they've all been republished in newer editions, but the omnibus is. well. it's an omnibus. pretty goddamn definitive. my copy is advertising the "upcoming feature film" which never came to be, and will forever break my heart. we almost got stop-motion, people. instead we got that awful tubi show, but WE'LL COME BACK TO THAT, I PROMISE YOU. I want my rage to remain subdued.

[THE GUY WHO DIDN'T LIKE MUSICALS - 2026]
oh my GOD those crazy bastards at starkid productions did it. they're on the west end, baby! I was there! I saw them! I was in the same meatspace as COREY DORRIS!!!!! holy god. I don't usually go for this kinda fandom scene but the atmosphere in that theater was insane, an odd mix of the youthful starkid devotees and members of the general public who had no idea what they signed up for. the show itself was incredible, but I already knew that- me and my sister can recite this thing like rainman, 'cus the original run's been up on youtube for like eight years now. if you haven't seen it, give it a shot. and then fly out to london to go see it live, because this run is a total upgrade. they beefed up the sets, choreography, certain props and costume pieces, and JON MATTESON'S VOICE. he plays paul, our main guy, and the original performances in 2018 were his first outings with the starkid group. his singing voice wasn't the strongest, but jesus in heaven you should hear him now. you can tell the cast is all more physically comfortable with eachother too, and this manifests in everyone constantly manhandling jon & getting all up in his grill. it's great. I promise i'm not a musical theater nerd, starkid just do really good shit, man. PS IVAN AS THE NEW HIDGENS IS IMMACULATE. adds so many bizarre mannerisms and noises to the character.

[DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE - 1979]
underbaked concept hard-carried by our main actor's strange performance. the movie's pretty uninteresting but this guy can really go nutzoid when the script calls for it. there's a bit where he's dreaming he's geting dragged into a hole and he wails and I chuckled. uhhhhh. he goes disco dancing after a very awkward scene where he goes to buy clothes FOR disco dancing. sets a lady's head on fire. at the disco. um. there's some interesting shots. it tries to say something about the cycle of abuse. and fire. I dunno. it's not giving me much to work with, frankly. the corpse props are pretty cool.

[RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD - 1982]
this is totally one of those movies I thought i'd never have to see, cus pop culture osmosis. sly stallone is in the jungle or something and does stuff. he's got a gun that goes dakka dakka dakka. but sitting down and actually watching it i'm like "WOW! I had no clue what the hell this was about!". rambo's a grizzled 'nam vet arrested in a podunk town, and the police brutalize a little close to the sun. rambo goes NUTZOID and proceeds to flex on the donut boys with his vietnam know-how for days. pretty sweet. he flips out at the end, because WHOOPS this action movie's atcually about the horrors of war! but WHOOPS again because apparently they say "screw it!" and send his ass back to 'nam in the sequels. artistic integrity an making a statement is one thing; money is god.

[UNDEFEATABLE - 1993]
if you don't like cynthia rothrock you're wrong. this is a pretty cromulent revenge movie, but it's mostly good in the absurdity of the setup and the increasingly convoluted reasons to make cynthia kick people. like, her sister is murdered, she's looking for the guy who did it, fights some gangs along the way. normal stuff. gets bogged down by the cops and her romance with the dude cop, who's a lame stick-in-the-mud. you get into a good rhythm of crazy fight scenes, then the movie stops all the action to explain the obvious in the police investigation. you see rothrock's dead sister in the morgue, eyes gouged out an all, and that's pretty cool, but the rest of the movie is completely devoid of gore so it's out of place. she looks like a high-end spirit halloween prop.

[THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE II - 1986]
following up with another IMMACULATE SEQUEL, TCM 2! if you know me irl, you know this is in my top three movies ever. it flips around the thing and freaked, all fighting for the number one spot. and that's 'cus it's glorious. a complete tonal 180 from the original. batshit insane. takes the family from the first movie and says "FUCK IT! THEY DO FOODTRUCKS NOW. THEY LIVE IN AN ABANDONED THEME PARK NOW!" they replace the hitchhiker with THE BEST CHARACTER OF ALL TIME, ROBERT "CHOP TOP" SAWYER. ohhhh, chop top. he's an odd concept in a film chock with odd concepts and bizarre little details. like lg's fry house. the decision to name "the cook". the bone radio he has in the food truck. the gore wall. franklin's skeleton, still sitting in his wheelchair. everything regarding chop top.

[SLEEPAWAY CAMP II: UNHAPPY CAMPERS - 1988]
I LOVE ANGELA. angela baker is an all-timer slasher and she doesn't get the clout she deserves, likely because of the messy gender/representation situation, but WHATEVER. SHE'S GREAT. I can't abide by the weaklings who dislike that she's no longer shy and quiet like in the first movie, but newsflash, people: SHE'S GROWN UP! she's come into her own as a professional camp counselor and party pooper. she's so fun to watch. very few slashers also double as the main character, and angela excels at flipping between caring overseer and merry murderess. i'm awed by the gusto with which she deposits the unhappy campers. that bit where she's calmly securing the girl's cabin so she can kill demi is perfect. (and the fact she immediately falls victim to the ol "bucket of water" gag afterwards is great, too.) angela baker did nothing wrong. underrated entry in an underrated series.

[FUEGO TAKIS]
i'm really pushing the boundaries as to what can be considered a film here. but my sister, who will never read this wesbite, got me a bag, and i'm bored, so here we are. this isn't going to be anywhere near a competent review, as less than an hour ago I singed the inside of my mouth with dentist-grade mouthwash, so i'm in pain and everything tastes somewhat mentholly. what of the snack? it alright, from what I can actually taste. the package promises EXTREME SPICE, but i'm not getting it through the thick layer of menthol. it's definitely spicier than, like, hot doritos. i'm pretty sure these only started getting sold in this country in the last four years because of tikok or something. I dunno. I was gonna make a whole point about americanisation, but then I remembered that I fucking love pop tarts so I don't have a leg to stand on, really. the further I get into the bag, the more they strip the menthol out of my mouth.

[POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD - 2006]
god damn do I love troma. I think my dream job is propmaker for a troma flick. can you imagine waking up, heading to the workshop, and thinking "ah, yes. today's the day I work on that mop that goes up that guy's ass and through his dick! I should see if mr kaufman wants the tip on the end of the mop, that'd be pretty fucked". runner up job is extra on a troma flick. looks like a fun gig. this movie's absurd, gross, and a musical for some reason- one of troma's best fer sher. the kid playing arbie is giving it his absolute max and clearly having the time of his LIFE. wendy's also giving it an excellent go, but big ups especially to her goofy, flailing run. cracks me up, man.

[WINNERS & SINNERS - 1983]
I missed the first third of this one, and i've never regretted watching family guy more. (it was the episode where stewie and lois take edibles. it was alright.) right off the bat: hong kong martial arts movies are TOTALLY the asian equivalent to those mildly-watchable 70s british sex comedies, improved massively by the presence of kung fu. i've become quite fond of them these last two months, and have ingested DOZENS that don't make it to the site's filmlog (but are dutifully noted in my physical filmlog). the more absurd they get, the more wacky the fight choreo becomes, the more i'm invested. all this to say that this movie ROCKS. some of the most batshit physics i've seen in these films (any contact in a fight will result in somebody being FLUNG into a wall) combined with an exquisite cast with TRUE GENUINE YUKS. immediate top-ten movie for me. no contest. gotta watch more sammo hung POSTHASTE!

[HE KON-TIKI EXPEDITION, THOR HEYERDAHL - 1948]
this is a book. what, are you gonna say I can't write about books? in my own damn film log? get outta here. I read "Aku-Aku", the second book mr.heyerdahl wrote about his travels in polynesia, last year, and thought it was immaculate- a tale of a man and the entire population of easter island flipping between scamming and charming eachother, with the ultimate goal of DISCOVERY in mind. it ends on a melancholy note, as both parties recognise that they're huckstering eachother for profit, and thor's team sails away from easter island with treasures and well-earned lessons in mutuality in tow. Kon-Tiki is its total tonal opposite. it opens with thor assembling his crack team of specialists and pitching his plan to many incredulous officials: craft a sailing vessel out of balsa wood in the same way the ancient polynesian people must have done hundreds of years ago. there are no flimflams at play here. just raw belief and comradery in his fellow man. the recollection of the journey itself is glorious, as the surrounding aquatic life and shining seas never become mundane to the crew, and this much bleeds through in the text. it shouldn't be a spoiler to tell you that thor & the boat boys (as i'm now calling them forever) made it, and were witness to a beautiful reception by the people of raroia, who greeted them warmly with constant dancing, leis, and feasts. god damn. it's easy to see how tiki culture took america by storm. i'll cap off the trilogy with the lesser-discussed Fatu-Hiva when I get my hands on it, but i'll be sad to leave these adventures behind.

[THE ABOMINABLE DR PHIBES - 1971]
still an absolute all-timer of a movie. the levels of sheer panache at play here are unparalleled, but that's a given for any "vincent price gets unbelievably stylish- kensington gore to follow" type of movie. it's not at all controversial to say that this is the best of this esteemed genre, purely down to phibe's own theatrical presence and INSANE BIBLICAL KILLS. my favourite is the frog mask. so brutal! the shots cutting back and forth between the tightening cogs and the POV shot of our hapless victim stumbling up the stairs, and as the jaunty tune playing reaches a head- CRRRRRACK. (the party guests all stepping to one side of the staircase so he can drop down still makes me titter.) i've always wondered what vulnavia's deal is, exactly. you assume she's one of the clockwork people phibe's whipped up, but [SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE THAT'S OVER FIFTY YEARS OLD] the cops melt her with acid at the end, and she expresses pain, which i'm pretty sure is a "people" thing, right? 100% understand WHY she's joint-enterprising these murders, however, as I too would unspeakingly aid that man in avenging his bride. victoria is a lucky woman, aside from the whole "died on the operating table", thing... have you SEEN him at his wifeshrine????? movie's got some of the finest posters & lobby cards i've ever seen, were I the high-powered collector type i'd hoard them forever. alas, my jpegs must do.

[RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY - 199]
totally mindblowing. you think this is a normal prison movie until the guards break down the shonen-battle layout of the place: our main guy's gotta battle the high-powered leader of each cell block, the assistant warden, the warden, as well as contend with grunts and petty thugs along the way. and CONTEND HE DOES. right off the bat he pushes a guy into a board of nails for bullying an old man- and the gore really catches you off-guard. it's great. I don't wanna get into spoiler territory but the batshittery never stops. immaculate bit of cinema.

[PCU - 1994]
unfortunately, despite my best efforts, my uni experience was WAY more this movie than animal house. the best way to describe this movie is "douchey". everyone's such a douche. our heroes, the PC masses against which they rebel, the frats, all douchebags. it's cus those DAMN PC LIBERALS are always PROTESTING and it means nobody can TOGA PARTY no mo. but how do their SHENANIGANS weigh up? pretty damn okay. our audience-surrogate prefreshman kid spends most of the movie getting chased by an angry mob comprised of multiple political protest groups and cliques, which makes for some fun visuals if nothing else. the bit where the metalhead guy is sent to the stoner's house was chilling- i've been in that house. low, grey lighting. no music. dutch angles. any time we spend with gutter is hilarious, especially when he's FREAKING THE EFF OUT and it smashcuts to TV footage of him pleading before congress. chuckles were had, I can't deny it.

[SCOOBY-DOO! AND THE RELUCTANT WEREWOLF - 1988]
the awkward, ugly twin to the famous "ghoul school" special. apparently they released a month apart. in the summer. I wonder, did the kids get scooby-doo fatigue back then? did anyone sit there and wonder why they didn't hold off on this one until october? it's a zany concept, I guess. dracula turns shaggy into a werewolf so he can complete his monster mash, because he refuses to hold their annual wacky races without a wolfman. he does have a wolf-thing under his employ, but drac's prejudiced against him so he can't race. and uhhhhh. I dunno. a bunch of crap happens. it takes way too long to actually get to the death race, and by the time we get there they've exhausted the animation budget. dracula and his two hunchback henchmen are pretty fun, so when the special focuses on them doing dick dastardly schtick you don't mind it too much. WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY?

[THE DRAGON LIVES AGAIN - 1977]
genuinely batshit movie. I caught it last night, and it's rerunning as I type this. yes, I am willingly watching this twice in twelve hours. that's how good it is. bruce lee, who died in 1973 and is depicted here by some other guy, wakes up in hell and starts beefing with the emperor of hell or something. then he goes to get food, because hell has some decent noodle places apparently, and meets popeye. like the dude's genuinely popeye. I thought the other fella he meets was supposed to be billy the kid, but it turns out after a bit of google-fu on my end that he's supposed to be david carradine. death race 2000 david carradine. the rest of the film is made up of nutty fight scenes, guys dressed as skeletons, and the king of hell playing bizzaro sex games with his concubines. dracula shows up. dracula does kung fu. if that doesn't sell you on this movie you're dead inside.

[FP2: BEATS OF RAGE - 2018]
if you recall, experiencing "THE FP [2011]" was a revelation for me. FP2, not so much. don't get me wrong, it's an incredible time for sure, and definitely in the upper tier of movies i've seen for this scene, but I dunno. the edges are sanded off. not even in the obvious way (nobody's dropping slurs in this one) but in the lack of gun violence and nudity, which are pretty obviously absent in the finale. tame stuff in comparison to it's predecessor, probably 'cus it was made in 2018, the least crunk year we ever had. still mad quotable though. truly, the best part of these movies is how every actor commits to the bit.

[RAISING ARIZONA - 1987]
unfortunately, at the same time as starting this movie, I impulsively decided to take the calves in on a pair of leather boots, despite having no leathercrafting knowledge and a lack of tools. word to the wise- don't do that, as you'll achieve nothing but killing a pair of perfectly good boots. even if the boots have obscenely wide calves that could easily fill with water on a rainy day. so I was hung up on the boots for the most part, but the movie itself seemed bretty decent.

[UP IN SMOKE - 1978]
confession- i've never seen this whole movie the whole way through. i've certainly been in the same ROOM as the movie as it ran, for the entire duration of the film, but for reasons BEYOND MY KNOWLEDGE I tend to phase out during the raid and come back into the movie when everyone's at the roxy. I suppose that works fine, cus the plot's less of a plot and moreso a series of hijinks. and good hijinks they be. the best part of this movie is the bit where everyone you're watching it with realises that cheech is kinda ripped, and it BLOWS THEIR MINDS.

[MARYJANE - 1968]
do you see a theme with the movies this weekend? for what seems to be the 60's answer to 'reefer madness', maryjane has a pretty levelheaded look at youth weedsmoking. you get all angles here- weed makes you drive off a cliff and die, but it's also just something kids do for kicks, but it's also a gateway drug, but it's really not a big deal if you smoke a little, but don't get the movie wrong: it's ILLEGAL and WRONG and you will have a BAD TIME FOR SMOKING IT. dig the jail scene where we watch a guy throw a massive whitey and kill himself about it. the bigger threat in the movie is the evergeen evil of PEER PRESSURE. our teens are just a bunch of asshole delinquents who'd be causing trouble with or without grass. though the weed helps give them branding, as they all wear these incredible pendants that say MARYJANE on them, as that's their club's name! THEY'RE THE MARYJANE CLUB! enjoyable bit of melodrama all the same- there's even a bit where they all get stoned at a funfair! like adventureland!

[THREE FLAVOURS CORNETTO TRILOGY - 2004/2007/2013]
FLEX OF THE CENTURY: I caught this beauty in a REAL CINEMA last night. and we got a CORNETTO for each film! (ignore the fact that I work at that cinema, it's not relevant.) right off the bat, my beef- I think hot fuzz and world's end should switch cornetto flavours. I know it's not possible. but when time travel happens, and I win the subsequent time travel lottery, I will go back in time and implore edgar wright to film hot fuzz with the mint cornetto. the countryside, you see, is green. and the aliens, you see, are blue. it just makes sense. BEEF OVER. WHAT AN INCREDIBLE TRILOGY! I don't wanna hear any tier lists or rankings of the movies. they're sisters. and we do not choose favourite children. watching them back-to-back makes you notice some of the lesser-known themes between the films: didja know all three of them feature twins? now you do. the trilogy is the finest celebration of the british mundane ever conceived. so. freakin'. good.

[HALF-BAKED - 1998]
I hate to say it but these guys are totally living the dream. I mean, funny movie, classic fer sher, but i'm hung up on their apartment. god damn. someone go back in time and give that set dresser a RAISE. I maintain that the best stoner comedies aren't about Two Guys, but rather Many Guys. and shenanigans. is this the only stoner comedy where the main character actually gives up weed? good for him. chapelle's rascally charisma carries.

[BIG MONEY RUSTLAS - 2010]
sincerely love ICP. sincerely love westerns. SINCERELY LOVED BIG MONEY HUSTLAS- so this did NOT disappoint. I wish they kept on making spoof movies forever, but shit, what we did get was excellent. hits on all the cliches of a western with enough wrestling and clown bullshit to REALLY sell it. and, as usual, the sound effect usage was on point. hilarious. huge shoutout to the pimpslapping scene- you know the one.

[MAC AND ME - 1988]
NIGHTMARE MOVIE FROM THE ETHER, CREATED TO PEDDLE DEMONIC FOODSTUFFS TO CHILDREN. DID YOU SEE MAC? DID YOU SEE MAC'S FATHER? THEY GAVE THAT THING A GUN!

[BMX BANDITS - 1983]
I swear, this whole movie is chase scenes, dayglo, and sound effects. I don't care HOW radical you are, BMX bikes will never make those futuristic whooshing noises. I think there's a plot in it somewhere, about walkie talkies or whatever, but it's mainly an excuse for the main trio to do EXCELLENT BIKE STUNTS and STICK IT TO THE MAN. ish. they stick it to the evil guys, who bicker like a married couple, but they bend the knee to the cops. it's a "KIDS VERSUS ADULTS" rebellion with no real bite. I have to admit, however, the ending where they rally every kid in australia to go take down "THE GOONS" is pretty sweet, as every extra present is clearly buzzing with excitement to be there, pelting the bad guys with flour. then it ends with everyone getting doused in foam- you almost expect bugsy malone to emerge from the ocean, flanked by his men, to do a pie fight.

[FRIDAY - 1995]
I expect to see this movie no less than three times over the course of this weekend- AND THAT'S A GOOD THING. just about the easiest, breeziest movie i've ever seen, part of the ascended tier of films about people just hangin' out. even when the stakes get high with their drug escapades, even when shit gets heavy when craig's dad talks him down from taking up his gun... it's just a good time. craig stands up to deebo. smokey doesn't quit smoking. everyone TRIUMPHS.

[SCOTT PILGRIM TAKES OFF - 2023]
it alright. as a certified Side Character Enjoyer, I can appreciate how much time we spend with the series' extensive cast, but i'm also Neutral About Ramona, so the fact that she's the MAIN CHARACTER and also GOD now bristles me somewhat. I had the plot twist of HOLY SHIT SCOTT'S GONE spoiled in 2023, and I still think that once scott comes back the series crumbles apart, because uh. without scott and ramona's development over the books, why should I care about their relationship? the mystery aspect of his disappearance is fun, I guess. but the series is truly a chance to hang out with the characters, which was also the best part of the comics.

[SWAMP APE THE MOVIE - 2017]
extremely slow start with some hilariously bad acting to tide you over until the swamp ape himself makes an appearance. spoilers, as if you're ever gonna watch this thing, but the swamp ape has his junk out the whole time and its pretty funny. every kill is incredibly abrupt- we aren't here to LINGER or consider the PATHOS of situation. there's nothing here to take seriously, and that's a good thing! and the whole hour of it is on youtube! for FREE!

[ALIEN PRIVA]
YET AGAIN, THE GOOD FOLKS DOWN AT THE GRINDHOUSE HAVE ANOINTED ME WITH AN IMMACULATE MOVIE. this is indescribable, as most ambrosias are. how can I sell the PERFECT movie? our main guy is a vaguely stoic, largely jacko, dancin'-an'-groovin' alien detective. as in, a detective who IS an alien. his only alien features are his pointy ears and bizarro behaviour. there's a plot about drugs or whatever but it takes a backseat to the tremendous freakshow of a cast on offer- highlights are a rad-talkin' valley dude alien who only speaks in quotables, and another alien who's super committed to a not-too-shabby peter lorre impression, which he's presumably putting on for some long-winded cascablanca reference. also of note is our main antagonist, kilgore, who has a SUPREMELY badass false tooth with a SKULL AND CROSSBONES ON IT that is FILLED WITH POISON that he MELTS A PRIEST WITH. SIIIIICK.

[CHILD'S PLAY - 1988]
only caught the back third of it, but I mustve seen the first two thirds a million times, so it evens out in the grand scheme of things probably. I always forget that andy gets put in Mentally Unwell Child Jail- the kid's acting when he realises that nobody's gonna help him escape chucky is genuinely heartbreaking. chucky, in the distant shots, clearly being a dude in a suit is slightly less heartbreaking. and it goes without saying that the ending is BADASS. top to tail. the final chucky confrontation(s) are GOLD.

[SUPER TROOPERS - 2001]
the only flaw I have, as a person, is that i've really enjoyed every broken lizard movie i've seen so far- I may even qualify as a fan of broken lizard. i'm easily tickled by frat bro comedy, and my only regret is that I have yet to meet anyone of similarly terrible taste with whom to quote these flicks with. chuckles were had.

[THE FP - 2011]
this is a strong contender for the best movie i've ever seen AND I'M NOT KIDDING. imagine it- ddr gang wars. the slow death of "crunk", depicted onscreen, like a supernova blazing out. dialogue comprised of equal parts nonsense and n bombs. our main guy is like if solid snake was rhys strongfork, and is the only character capable of speaking normal sentences- this makes him kinda lame, but he makes up for it by being pretty damn excellent at getting drugged and playing ddr. on the dialogue: the actor's ability to devliver these immaculate lines with a straight face is commendable, if not downright incredible. this movie might be my bible now.

[THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE - 1987]
what's worse- this movie, or the fact that i've WILLINGLY sat down to watch it again? friday night, working on comics, and I have chosen to witness this movie once more. GOD HELP ME. imagine being a kid when this movie came out, a gpk aficionado, bugging your parents to take you to see it... subjecting them (AND YOURSELF) to not ONLY the hideous suits. not ONLY the gross, half-assed humour. but also the fact that the plot is about some kid exploiting the garbage pail kids for labour in a fashion sweatshop. so he can bang a (presumably) grown woman. who, in turn, thinks she's exploiting HIM, because she has no idea about the garbage pail kids- they're abominations and must hide away from the light or some shit. also the woman is also being exploited by her own boyfriend, who's acting as a fashion pimp of sorts and takes all of her earnings. I can't overstate how ugly the titular garbage pail kids are, by the way. any pathos they attempt to build with those freaks is undercut by simply looking at and listening to them. at least the set design's pretty legit? like the antique store the gpk live in is a cool place. lots of props to distract yourself with, as you violently look away from the gpk. and, I admit it- the concept of "The State Home For The Ugly" got a chuckle out of me. shitty movie overall, though.

[ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE - 2001]
I LOVE THIS MOVIE WITH ALL MY HEART. it's not perfect but it's pretty damn close. god. it's a feast for the eyes. a treat for the soul. just look at the individual character animation. those backgrounds. the less-than-seamless-but-still-cromulent integration of cg assets. if the whole movie was the journey up to atlantis, hanging out with the EXCELLENT cast, it'd be the best movie ever made. but alas, we gotta spend time IN atlantis, which is a beautiful pile of LOST POTENTIAL. despite how much I adore this movie, i'll never get over how dumb it is that the entire population of atlantis is illiterate and only milo can save them. come on now. but i'd endure million stupid plot points for vincenzo santorini. siiiiigh.

[DEATH RACE - 2008]
right off the bat, I have to state that I L-O-V-E death race 2000. watching it for the first time was a religious experience for me. my only career goal since has been "frankenstein". so my hopes were pretty high coming into this equally schlocky, dark-n-edgier reboot. and immediately we get all this backstory and pathos and whatever, as the main guy loses his job at the steel mill and gets his wife killed and WHO CARES JUST STICK HIM IN THE CAR. who needs all this context? the death race ITSELF is ample social commentary without all the prison-system malarkey taped onto it. just imagine it- a whole TEAM of idiots had to come together to birth a death race movie that takes FOURTY MINUTES to actually get to the death race. and even after you sit through all the preamble, the shaky-cam races themselves aren't even half the spectacle they should be. what do you MEAN there aren't civilians to mow down for points?

[SCOTT PILGRIM - 2004/2010]
scott pilgrim is a series that's always given me incredible pain. and that's down to the raw ENVY (no pun nintendo) I feel at the cast. yes, the infamously dysfunctional group of losers in this shit make me horribly jealous. why shouldn't I be? they're living the 2006 hipster dreamife up in canada! they got a band! they got places to hang out! they got relatively cool apartments! god DAMN you, scott pilgrim. you don't know how good you have it. (for reference- my favourite volume is 4, because YAY SUMMER! my least might be 5? I dunno, seeing kim get put through the wringer sucks pretty bad.) ADDENDUM- it's a well-trod topic, but I too bristle at the slow chibi-fication of the cast throughout the books, and i'm only a little miffed that said chibi-fication spread to the animated series... but that's a discussion for another day. it's ironic how, as scott matures as a person, he appears more childlike.

[HOPPERS - 2026]
so I haven't sat down and watched this movie in the traditional sense- i've put it together piecemeal via doing screenchecks at work. it's bretty good! beats the hell out of screenchecking "the bride" and "scarlet", anyway. I appreciate how the concept devolves over the course of the film, until act 3 is totally batshit insane. good on pixar for making a movie that isn't a sequel.

[THE MUMMY - 1959]
sluggish at times, but the slow moments are worth it for every second the mummy himself is on screen in all of his gnarly glory. the makeup work on that thing is nuts- he's ever so CRUSTY! and I defy you to find me another horror movie that ends with the whole gang successfully gunning the monster down. good stuff.

[FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING - 1989]
I have a confession to make- this is my 2nd favourite friday the 13th movie. (my favourite one's even worse!) and that's because it's completely absurd. they set it up like this movie's the big confrontation between a now-grown tommy jarvis and the big man himself, but spoilers: JASON'S NOT EVEN IN IT! it's some rando from the start doing the killing. that's the MAGIC of this movie. it's a whole cast of irrelevant randos getting introduced and killed immediately. nobody in this movie matters. they're all mere setups for death scenes. tommy barely gets a look-in between all of the coffin stuffers in the cast, but when he does clock into the movie it rules: he straight up suplexes a guy into a table for pranking him. my only qualm is that the schlock horror prince, miguel a. nunez jr HIMSELF, is damn near wasted in his role, but he gives it a tremendous go anyhow.
[ADDENDUM] - I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THE DINER COUPLE. my favourite irrelevant instakills in all of horror. my god. the swagger of this weasel-looking guy pulling up for a hot date and immediately taking a classic 80's coke break is burned into my mind. and the utter zazz with which the waitress gets ready? "iiiiiit's SHOWTIME!"

[CROCODILE - 2000]
duncan is such a tremendous piece of shit that it's not even funny, but him wrassling the croc to save that dog was pretty tight so whatever. he's such a piece of shit that he makes the giant croc THROW UP. I missed the first two thirds of this flick, but i'm told nothing major happened anyway. the cg croc is so immensely sucky that I couldn't help but love her. someday i'll watch the whole thing, cuz it seems to be just the type of crappy movie I love. tobe hooper hits it out of the park again!

[OUT THERE - 2013]
had I seen this show in 2013, I would've been ok I think. it's one of those beautiful, bizarro adult cartoons that only got one season, and what a season it is. it's downright goddamn COMFY. follows a couple of loser teens in a midwestern town getting into loser teen shit. the visuals are my EXACT jam- fucked up creature-looking people on watercolour-looking backgrounds. the springoween episode is my favourite, because mr ryan quincy really zeroed in on that horrible state where you're too old for traditional halloween, but not connected enough to go actually party on halloween night. the whole show is like that, really. it's great.

[ARCO - 2025]
that's my artsy animation quota filled for this year! it was pretty alright. my heartstrings were not sufficiently tugged on by their designated heartstring-tugging moments, and the celebrity voices were kind of distracting, but hey. the animation knocks it out of the park. I especially loved the trio of alien-hunting guys, but that's mostly for their doofy outfits and wackier movement than the rest of the cast.

[HORROR HOSPITAL - 1973]
this stars the same guy from the "confessions of.." series, so you already know this is PRESTIGIOUS BRITISH CINEMA. I couldn't tell you the plot even if I tried- the setting isn't even a hospital as far as I can tell, but an old stately manor. unlike corruption, which I watched with this as a double feature, it does get in a couple of genuine shocks. ending's pure japes though. give it a watch if you can tolerate gratuitous, shitty fight scenes, attitudes "of the era", and absolute nonsense.

[CORRUPTION - 1968]
I have a hard time believing that the kills in this one shocked anybody, even in 1968. the gore's just missing that OOMPH factor. you know it's dire when even the reveal of a head in a freezer is underwhelming. lady macbeth tossing that guy off the cliff was pretty great though. she makes the movie QUITE bearable. they try and blow your mind with the ending "twist", if it even qualifies.

[MEET THE FEEBLES - 1989]
I kid you not, this movie blew my mind so hard that, after passing out into a dreamless sleep, I woke up the next morning and immediately watched it again. it's perfect. imagine it, if you dare- sleazy australian muppets. backstage shenanigans. and all of the exquisite gunge you'd expect from an early peter jackson film... go watch it. seriously. I won't get into any more details, only that the ending had me absolutely ENRAPTURED.

[WILLIE DYNAMITE - 1973]
any morals this movie has to teach about the spiritual ills of the pimpin' lifestyle are instantly undercut by that scene where mr dynamite himself GLIDES down those stairs. you know the one. big ups to cora.


[HATEMAIL]